To Be Like Kirk

Kirk died today. I can't believe it. We take for granted that friends are "out there", that loved ones are OK and they know. They know we love them. Right?

I received the message that Kirk was fading fast and immediately sent a text to him. I just checked the time stamp. I sent it one minute after he had officially passed. I just wanted him to know I loved him. What a special man. What a sad loss.

We don't always take time to tell people we love them, that we care, that we are thinking about them. We make assumptions. We focus on our own lives, our own needs.

And now, in spite of my sorrow, I have to laugh. I'm laughing because this missed opportunity is exactly the reason why Kirk said we would not be a good match long-term. We were too much alike. I sit here feeling sorry that I missed my opportunity to say good-bye. And, just as I was thinking about how he emailed me his phone number so I could text him, and how I didn't text him until too late, and then wondering whether he thought anything of it...I had to laugh. Because, he didn't think anything of it. I know he didn't. He might have very well done the same thing. Then, my mind drifted to an email he sent me well over a decade ago.

He was stationed in the Middle East and had come home on leave. For nearly a year prior to his PCS and then frequently while he was home, we spent a lot of time together. After he went back overseas, I sent him an email asking what we were to each other. We weren't dating per se, but it kind of felt like it sometimes. I just wanted his take on it.

In classic Kirk form, he responded only after a lot of prayer and consideration. Ultimately, he said we were too much alike. He said that he needed an accountant-type person, someone who remembered to send cards on birthdays, didn't put things off, get distracted, etc. Anyone who knows me know I'm not that person. Kirk and I were perfect friends. We totally got each other.

So here I am regretting that I put off that phone call. Yet, in my regret, I remember and I smile. I know it was OK. We exchanged several emails in the last week. He knew I cared for him deeply and admired his godliness. And, he never thought anything about me not texting him, because he knew me. And, we were too much alike.

Of course, now I'm crying again. I will miss him. But like I wrote in my previous post (oh, and he was only 53, by the way), I hope to be like him. I aspire to be "too much" like him and hope at the end of my days, my legacy is even a fraction of his.

I love you, Kirk. I know you are right where you want to be. We'll catch up soon enough.