Ready for the New Year...More or Less

I spent most of the month of December getting ready for Christmas, contemplating the past year and looking forward to the new year. Somehow the last couple of years have flown by without any real change from one year to the next. It's mind boggling. And kind of sad.

I love Matthew West's song about going through the motions. "I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to live one more day without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, "What if I had given everything, instead of going through motions?"

Yesterday, my husband's cousin died. She was 43 and spent the last 6 months or so fighting a very aggressive cancer. I can't imagine the pain her family feels right now. Selfishly, I'm looking inward and wondering what I would do if I found out today that my life would end two years from now. Sometimes, we philosophically ponder the possibility "What if you knew when you would die? How would you change your life?" Sometimes, it's more specific than that, what if you were going to die in a month, a week, a day...if you knew you only had one more day to live, what would you do?

Andrea and her family spent the last several weeks talking about past memories, pouring out their love for one another, and I imagine, saying their goodbyes. When I had learned about these efforts in her dying days, I wished I had taken more time to get to know her. I immediately texted my brother to convey my love. I spent the next two days crying.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought about this blog and how I would usher in the new year. I felt compelled to be clever and witty. I thought about how if I want to do more of one thing I had to do less of something else. I thought I was being incredibly smart with my title.

Today, my list of "more or less" takes on a whole new meaning. It's more about my family and friends and less about me. It's more about giving and less about receiving. It's more about reaching out to others instead of looking in and fixing myself. It's more about sharing and less about coveting.

When it comes down to it, going through the motions doesn't involve any investment, in myself or others. And at the end of my life, or less dramatically, at the end of this year, who will really care about the investment I make in myself? Will anyone care that I earned my master's degree, lost a certain amount of weight, saved a certain amount of money? I'm not saying these things aren't important. They are. But this year, do I really want to make more of the same "better me" resolutions or focus less on myself, less self-centeredness. This year is about...

More "I love you" and less "do you love me?"
More "How can I help you?" and less "Will you help me?"
More "You amaze me" and less "Aren't you proud of me?"
More "Yes, I'd love to see you" and less "I can't. Sorry."
More "Thank you, Lord" and less "Why God?"